I want to write about my anxiety. This isn’t easy for me and I’m honestly pretty scared, but I feel it’s important. I never really understood anxiety. I thought of it as this abstract concept, being “anxious”. Like, I don’t know.. the feeling you have when something is uncertain. You know time will pass and things will happen, but what are they? And how can I be in complete control of them?
Since I can remember, I’ve always felt this sort of pressure. No one in my day to day life was pressuring me, for I’m fortunate to have grown up with an incredibly supportive family. So as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that the pressure has only really been applied by myself.
I still am trying to figure it out. Is it fear? Was I anxious for fear of letting myself down? I don’t know. I just know that I was unsettled. Anxiety is like a constant feeling of not being able to relax. Thoughts would swirl through my mind. Telling myself “I should be doing more.” Or questioning “Okay, now what’s next??”.
I think my two years in Seattle really forced me to dig deeper and take a look at how I felt about myself and my life. Living alone that second year had it’s ups and downs and honestly, I’m fortunate for the low that I reached. I was pretty miserable. Last winter hit me hard and although I would try to stay my cheery self on the surface, it was only the surface. I was frustrated and frankly, I was mad at myself for it. I found that I wanted more out of my life and truly couldn’t get out of the rut. My anxiety stooped low and I felt I needed to talk to someone about it, so I did.
My doctor in Seattle was my savior. I just typed that and felt a bit crazy, but she really was. I loved her. I built this incredible friendship with her. She’s insanely goofy. (That’s highly important for me. ha) and smart. Most importantly, she made me feel so normal for having the issues that I had and I was comfortable telling her what the hell was going on with me.
She put me on medication. Prozac, actually.
It made me insane. I hated it. I felt lifeless. Yeah, I didn’t want to be anxious anymore so I could focus on what change I needed to make in my life, but I didn’t want to be a potato. I use “potato” too much to describe things.. what I really mean is.. I still wanted to FEEL all my feels. Not be, a potato ya know?! You get it. I know you do.
Anyway, I switched. I take a low dose of Zoloft a day now and I feel… regular.
I asked my great uncle (whom I look up to immensely) recently if I should stop taking my Zoloft, for I’m happier and I want to know if I don’t need to take it anymore. My uncle said to me “if you had an illness, and you took medication for it daily to feel okay– you wouldn’t question taking it.” He made a really damn good point. People with anxiety or depression often think that taking medication makes them weak, lesser people. But, what if there wasn’t a stigma around it? If you’re sick and you take medication and the result is you feeling better, then why should taking medication for anxiety be any different. I feel better. So why fix it if it isn’t broken?
I really feel compelled to get this out there. I keep discovering more and more that as I open up to my friends about this, they take some sigh of relief. Like, shit.. I’m not alone. In reality I think that anxiety is something majority of people my age feel an immense amount of, but don’t confide in each other enough on. Social media has undoubtedly been a factor that adds to the pressure that we have to have “everything figured out”. We are constantly bombarded with images of young, successful, and what appears to be very happy people. So how can we help but compare?
It’s dangerous. I do it. Why would we put anything out there if it isn’t us in our best light?
So, I guess I just wanted to start a dialogue and to say that it’s totally cool to not “have everything figured out”. It’s actually kind of a freeing thing if you change your perspective.
How boring would life be if we already knew what was to be?
I’m finding more and more that those anxiety filled uncertainty ridden questions aren't as prominent in my life as they used to be. I try HARD each and every day to trust ALL of my feels and have found that living for the now is the most fulfilling way of being.
Look 1:
LPA Slip Dress
Hinge Robe
Look 2:
Brandy Melville Top
LPA Skirt
Location: My Bedroom/Kitchen - Los Angeles, CA
Photos by Natalie Kalajian